The room that I use as an office is also the cats room and gathers dust, cat hair and cat litter pretty fast. I've been tired of the bookcase that was in here. It shrank the room and cluttered it more. There was nothing else to do today so I cleaned the room up and started throwing things away.
As I was cleaning things...dusting them off I picked up a Coke bottle full of different colored sand corked up to make it last forever. Then there was a funny shaped bottle done the same way and at last there was a plastic one filled with colored sand as well and this one had a Winnie The Pooh sticker on it. These bottles match nothing in this room but my girls made them so they'll stay for as long as I do. I'm almost certain we did these precious momentos on a beach trip.
There's a basket full of sea shells and pieces of sea shells filled to over flowing. There's another in the bathroom. In a shiney gold gift bag there are even more sea shells. Not a single one that my childrens hands have touched have been thrown away. The years add up...so do the beach trips...so do the sea shells.
When it comes to the photo albums I can't help but sit for a little while and remember those days when my kids hands did all the things that add to this room and add to my life. I see Wendi smiling as she plays in the ocean....I would guess she's 3 or 4. Candi's buried to her neck in sand and you can see the freckles across the bridge of her cute little nose. Stephie's hair is short and as usual for her and her age group she doesn't want her picture made in her cute one piece bathing suit.
All over the floor there are books. Little Golden Books, Baby Sitter Club books, Madeline and Pippy Longstockings. My favorite though is "Guess How Much I Love You". I had to stop and read it. It's just the sweetest children's story I think I've ever read.
This one room breaks my heart. It's filled to capacity with memories of my childrens childhood.
This room reminds me of all the things I didn't do and wish I could now....but of course its too late.
I'm not ashamed of the material things I didn't provide for them. I'm ashamed that as they played in the ocean, Iwasn't in it with them. When the hole was being dug for the girls to be buried in where was I? When we're walking the trails in the mountains picking up beautiful fall colored leaves was I participating? When my child was being picked on why wasn't I the first to know? What was I doing?
I let years pass me by as my girls grew up right there in front of me.
In the pictures I see Candi's solemn face and I wonder 'how does she remember her childhood'. Wendi smiles in practically all of her pictures so I think 'look how happy she is'. Then I remember when her daddy left and how difficult that was for her. I wonder if I did enough to help her. Then there's Stephie's pictures. I don't think I ever told her how proud I am of her. Even when she was small. I was just far too busy trying to be me rather than be her mom. If my tears were to be gathered, I could create a river. If my regrets were pennies....I'd be a millionaire.