Christmas has got to be the time of year when people decorate the most. Yesterday I saw a van with antlers on it and the red ribbons on the front of cars are numbering more and more as December draws closer. I can't help but wonder if these people realize that it's making their cars look like the Pimpmobile. I mean really, it's hideous. If the car isn't new or isn't a gift then you're confusing me. Are you test driving it before giving it to Junior? Is the car going to your beauty queen of a daughter who is only 60 pounds over weight with a barely noticeable over bite? Probably meant to boost her self esteem huh? I'm about 40 lbs over weight myself. I keep telling daddy that a 2009 CTS sure would make me look better. So far, no luck there.
Another thing I wonder about are the people who put up the Christmas lights all the way around their homes. Not in a million years will you catch them on that same ladder painting the trim of their house but let Christmas roll around and out comes the ladder with great cheer! In the rain I've seen men putting up the "around the house" Christmas lights! Rain coats and all. I wonder if for these men it's like a super bowl kind of gathering. In other words, is drinking heavily a prerequisite? Gosh I hope so...else it means they're just plain stupid out there in the rain battling tangled lights on a ladder no less. "Ah-ite you stupit sum beech hand me another strand of dem lights fore I piss on your head & don't shake the ladder you'll make me spill my beer damn it!" The homes you see with the "around the house" Christmas lights up all year through are where the men live who've learned their lesson about climbing a ladder with tangled lights while drunk. Yet another mystery solved. You're welcome.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
It's nothing short of a miracle that when we were younger we didn't kill each other. With that basic knowledge in tow we tempt fate every year and gather at one home, my mom's, for Thanksgiving. The show starts the same:
1. Everyone cooks something to take to moms.
2. We sit and eat till the stretch jeans we all wear are doing their jobs and stretching past their limits....Faded Glory would be proud.
3. On to my sisters wooded backyard for a round or 10 of paintball in which it's inevitable that someone will leave the scene in tears be they 12 or 42 years old.
4. Back to moms to lick the pots clean and then sit in a Mexican stand-off sort of ordeal waiting to see who will make a move to wash all 10,000 dishes. Yes, we do use paper plates so go figure where all those dishes come from!
Then it's my oldesest brother who will proceed to tell us all that Chrysler makes the best cars and that he hasn't had sex in 4 to 5 months. Sometimes his wife is sitting next to him...sometimes she's not. Please, tell me, what are you supposed to say when someone drops this kind of bomb on you? These type of comments bring on the crickets!
My middle brother, the self proclaimed ladies man, will tell you all about the women who've most recently hit on him as he sports his rattlesnake boots and skin tight jeans (not from the food but because he prefers them to fit so the circulation is cut off at waist level). His cologne sometimes gives me a headache so I immediately hit the medicine cabinet when he comes in the back door.
The youngest of moms son's has 2 boys of his own so most of the words out of his mouth go something like: "Boys, be quiet! Stop running! Don't knock your brothers teeth out, I don't feel like a trip to the dentist tonight son! What are you doing peeing on the tire son?"
All the while my sister, God bless her tight wad soul is saying things like:
"When you go buy a Chrysler remember you can go to the First Bank in Outer Siberia and get 4.5% interest on a 10 month loan" AND "Wal-Mart has those exact same boots on sale and I can get a 10% discount on them for you" AND "When they do knock their teeth out just go to the emergency room it'll be a whole lot cheaper than calling the dentist on Thanksgiving day."
So what are my poor mom and daddy doing during all of this...well I would imagine they're both thinking....
We should've just let them kill each other a long time ago!
1. Everyone cooks something to take to moms.
2. We sit and eat till the stretch jeans we all wear are doing their jobs and stretching past their limits....Faded Glory would be proud.
3. On to my sisters wooded backyard for a round or 10 of paintball in which it's inevitable that someone will leave the scene in tears be they 12 or 42 years old.
4. Back to moms to lick the pots clean and then sit in a Mexican stand-off sort of ordeal waiting to see who will make a move to wash all 10,000 dishes. Yes, we do use paper plates so go figure where all those dishes come from!
Then it's my oldesest brother who will proceed to tell us all that Chrysler makes the best cars and that he hasn't had sex in 4 to 5 months. Sometimes his wife is sitting next to him...sometimes she's not. Please, tell me, what are you supposed to say when someone drops this kind of bomb on you? These type of comments bring on the crickets!
My middle brother, the self proclaimed ladies man, will tell you all about the women who've most recently hit on him as he sports his rattlesnake boots and skin tight jeans (not from the food but because he prefers them to fit so the circulation is cut off at waist level). His cologne sometimes gives me a headache so I immediately hit the medicine cabinet when he comes in the back door.
The youngest of moms son's has 2 boys of his own so most of the words out of his mouth go something like: "Boys, be quiet! Stop running! Don't knock your brothers teeth out, I don't feel like a trip to the dentist tonight son! What are you doing peeing on the tire son?"
All the while my sister, God bless her tight wad soul is saying things like:
"When you go buy a Chrysler remember you can go to the First Bank in Outer Siberia and get 4.5% interest on a 10 month loan" AND "Wal-Mart has those exact same boots on sale and I can get a 10% discount on them for you" AND "When they do knock their teeth out just go to the emergency room it'll be a whole lot cheaper than calling the dentist on Thanksgiving day."
So what are my poor mom and daddy doing during all of this...well I would imagine they're both thinking....
We should've just let them kill each other a long time ago!
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