We were sitting around Stephie's house the other day talking about the differences between me and my sister Kim. See now, I think me and Kim are a lot alike but when I said that Kim's head spun around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist and she said: "I don't know where you get that from!" I expected her to spew green pea soup at any given second and her eyes were just short of rolling back in her head. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt and to add injury to insult Stephie agreed! So that got me to thinking. Just how different are me and Kim anyway?

Lets see.

Kim was pretty much an A/B honor roll student all through high school. Me: If I was at school, it was a good day. If I was at school and awake it was an excellent day.

Kim always did, to the letter what mama and daddy said. Me: In the midst of either of them telling me what to do I was figuring ways to get out of it up to and including faking some rare sickness like malaria or scarlett fever.

Kim would always babysit the brothers so mama and daddy could go out. Me: I always secretly hoped they'd get lost when we weren't looking.

Kim has always known how to save some serious money. Me: The U.S. mint will make some more and for all I know Jesus might be back tomorrow. Lets go somewhere and shop!

Kim's a pretty serious disciplinarian with her son. Me: Go ahead and see if you can start a fire with a book of matches and a 5 gallon can of gasoline! Here's a fire extinguisher & some burn cream I'll listen out for the ambulance so I can motion them in.

Kim just loves old people. Me: It's just the funniest thing in the world when they say: "HUH?" and fart from the strain of talking so loud!

Kim works hard and won't call in sick if she's got the flu, strep throat and has dialated 8 centimeters. Me: Sometimes the call of I95 is more than I can handle. We'll count that as a mental illness. Illness=sick so there you have it!

Kim has plans to do housework and/or yard work on her days off. Me: I just did my 40. Don't look for anything special.

Kim's been married for more than 25 years. Me: If I chained them to the bed and padlocked the doors from the outside they'd still find a way to divorce court.


There's this one experience that really sticks out in my head. Rusty, our 30 year old childhood friend with the mind of a 2 year old (my nice way of saying he was mentally "challenged") was told one day to show both me and Kim his penis. Timmy and Jimmy (yes that is their real names) our skeleton friends who both were the spawn of the devil, told Rusty that he should. Now keep in mind that up until then all we had seen was the tiny winkies of Wade and Nick, the third itsy bitsy teeny weeny penis hadn't been born yet. So Timmy and Jimmy are acting like they're at some sort of pep rally and both of them are going: "Show 'em Rusty! Show 'em Rusty!"
There's Rusty, standing there with his tee shirt on wrong side outwards and backwards smelling like french fries and chihuahua trying to decide if he should show us or not. Kim's looking at me I'm looking at Kim, we're both looking at Rusty and all the while Timmy and Jimmy are doing the pep rally chant..."Show 'em Rusty!"
I didn't hear his zipper unzip probably because of the chant. I didn't see him fish his tallywacker out but in the blink of an eye there it was just hanging there outside of Rusty's cut off knee length shorts. I think there should've been a drum roll or something. Maybe a brief introduction because we had no idea what we were about to be shown. It happened just all of a sudden like. Maybe a "TAH DAH!" would've been sufficient.
Timmy and Jimmy were doubled over laughing while Rusty stood there with his hands on his hips airing out his peepee for a private showing! He just stood there grinning like a cheshire cat.
Kim saw it and screamed and burst into tears like Jason from Friday the 13th was after her. "MAMA! MAMA!"...and in the house she goes to tell Mama about Rusty's penis. I can still see the look of sheer terror on her face as she ran inside. Me: I'm standing there thinking..."Jeepers Crow! I didn't know they made them that big! Wade and Nick sure don't have one like that! Is all that chihuahua hair down there? Wonder if it smells like french fries too? Could a bee sting have made it that big? You know, it kinda looks like a King Kong size grub worm.

Timmy and Jimmy scattered like roaches when you turn the lights on as soon as they heard Mama yelling "Rusty go home right now! I'm calling your mama!" Me and Rusty just stood there. He wasn't finished with his free show & opportunities like this one didn't come along everyday! "Rita! What is wrong with you? Get in here damn it! Rusty...GO HOME NOW!"
All because of Kim being scared of a penis none of us got to play with Rusty for weeks and weeks and even then we had to sneak!
I guess this one experience is the one that truly shows the differences between me and Kim. I wonder why she doesn't want to be like me?