I was down at Mama's yesterday (I wonder why NOBODY ever calls it Pa's?? I mean it's not like he's the hired help around there!) for some Sunday dinner and was sitting there shoveling it in when Josh started to speak. I think those braces have ruined his speech forever but it was the t.v. that made it worse. Josh was like: "Pa, sching mala puter urt?" To which Pa replied, never touching the stone deaf volume of the t.v.; "What?" Now to make Pa understand him Josh has to bob his head. Don't ask me how that helps, I'm simply the observer. So again frustrated head bobbing Josh says: Sching mala puter urt GOD?!" Only because Josh pointed to the computer did I finally figure out what the conversation was all about. "No Josh, I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing. I think I'll just take it to the dump the next time I go up there." To which Josh replied: "Whadda shu wanna dun da for? So ula muh braq eet reet bla ere?" Whatever he said was funny cause he laughed. I continued to shovel my food down and Pa stared at me and his expression said: "What the hell did he just say?" Still, he didn't touch the volume on the t.v. It dawned on me by my second plate of everything what Josh had said but my moment to prove myself as a translator had by then slipped away.
Filled to the gills and with ringing ears I headed to the den to talk to mama for a while. "Was it good?", she said. To which I replied, "Yes, especially the mashed potatoes". Never reaching for the remote control to turn the t.v. down she said..."What?!?" Josh is witty. He proved that when he laughlingly said: "Er fot er wuz guddin wa frum eet deed ent ya?!" (you thought you were getting away from it didn't you).

The curling iron.
The flat iron. Indecision prevails.
Two kinds of deodorant. Does one work better?
Hair gel.
Hair mousse.
Aerosol hair spray.
Pump hair spray. Sometimes environmentally conscience...sometimes....eehhhh!
12 shirts two sizes too small. Med. in juniors and Med. in kids is confusing you know!
5 pairs of skin tight jeans. $85 with no knees. Bargain shopper huh?
18 pairs of panties. Again with the size issue.
one dingy bra.
4 pairs of shoes. None of these are under $100
2 tubes of mascara. Why do you keep the ones that are dried up?
1 toothbrush. I think it's seen better days...like about 5 years ago.
6 pairs of socks. Half with holes.
1 hairbrush. with a full head of hair left in it.
nail polish remover.
nail polish.
nail clippers...fetish I guess. Who knows?
toothpaste.
mouthwash. This bottle has travelled everywhere in the world...UNopened.
shampoo.
conditioner. There's always less conditioner than shampoo. Can you say over usage?
2 pocket books.
2 wallets. Why?
1 bed pillow. Other parts of the country have no pillows.
1 blanket.
1 book. Knowing full well it won't be read.
1 big bowl of dog food
1 bowl of water with a lid
1 black schnauzer.......
For a 3 night trip Pete's packed & we're off to Stephie's. I hope among all this stuff she didn't bring her driving permit. Pete on 95! Picture the cats in the cartoons when they're scared. They're poofed up like a cotton ball, their eyes are like saucers, they have their nails dug into the floor or ceiling. That's me on the passenger side.
(sung to the tune of Over the River)
Over the little stream and through Hamlet's woods
To Steph-a-nies house we go
Pete does know the way but
"You're not driving!" I'll say
Then she'll pout for the rest of the daaayyy!

The boss is gone!

I'm sorry that he doesn't feel good but oh boy does it make my day when he's not here! So far I've looked at flights to Colorado and New Hampshire for a ski trip and I've read some e-mails and forwarded some that were pretty funny while I was at it. I've shopped QVC and Bath and Body works to finish up my Christmas online and I've checked out Youtube. My nails look pretty good since I've had the chance to file them and I've gotten to take a peek at a few 30 minute recipes that I might try out this evening. My desk is loaded to the point of over flowing, it's raining outside, customers are staring at me wondering if I'm going to wait on them and I'm sitting here singing....ZIP AH DEE DOO DAH ZIP AH DEE AY MY O MY WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY...PLENTY OF SUNSHINE HEADING MY WAY ZIP AH DEE DOO DAH NO BOSS MAN TODAY!
Just think, if he's got the flu...it's at least 3 glorious days of this!

THE Christmas Party

It would be completely two faced of me, totally false of me if I didn't first say that I do enjoy going to THE Christmas Party. The age group is pretty good...ranges from 10 years younger than me to 10 to 15 years older than me. Sure there's a lot of prep time involved in going to such a social event but I just feel so special that I got an invitation that I wouldn't miss it for the world! I can hardly wait to see Ms. Fashionista aka the squirrel from the movie Ice Age wearing that dress that she'll swear is a knock off of what Jennifer Anniston wore on the red carpet! Why I may even be graced by a conversation with her on the latest styles of Christmas apparel, pocketbooks, eyeliner and lipsticks! Ahh...how lucky I'd be! And how could I miss seeing Ms. Dontyouwishyouwerecoollikeme, the hostess with the mostest ass in the world as she plays her role to a "t". I always wonder if I'm supposed to curtsey when she approaches or just stick a dollar or two in her bra strap! I like her ! Then there's Mr. badcombovergirlieattitude who occassionally goes in to and out of PMS stages for no apparent reason. Hopefully he'll remember to bring along his bipolar meds and forget to bring his girl friend! Ms. Eyebrows will be there along with her husband. When they go onto the dance floor someone really should roll out a cot or something for them to just go ahead and have sex on! XXX rated! Cover your eyes or stand there with your chin to your knees as your drink unconsciously slides to the floor!
And who is that girl with the bowl hair cut anyway? Every single year she's there. Sipping, sipping, sipping...I know she's not drinking not really. She just wants the drink in her hand so that when she does something to make herself look really stupid she'll have something to blame it on the next day. Ms. Iwannabeyoungagain will be there too! Go ahead, ask me if she'll be ashamed to wear that micro mini sequened dress at sixty years of age...ask me! Dye her hair red and BAM...you've got Ronald McDonald! Amazing what a whole bottle of hair spray will do! I've been divorced for about 10 years now but I can count on Ms. Marge Simpson asking me if I'm still married to Mark. I don't doubt that it's not an accident that she asks me this same question as she sees me talking to a man. It's like she insists that I 'fess up as to how many times I've been married so as to scare the living day lights out of who ever I might be talking to. It makes me want to tell her to shut up and smoke another cigarette right quick before your voice goes to sounding feminine again! Then there's Stanley and Ollie. When they're done with drinking almost to the point of poisoning themselves they'll call a cab or their teenage cousin to come take them back to their mommies home before she comes looking for them. Refer back to the beginning and note the age group. You'd think they'd know better.
Mr. PleaseletmetellyouhowmuchmoneyIhave will be there with his live in girl friend who really is pretty but has the personality of a 2 by 4 and the attitude of satan.
Ahhh...then there's my personal favorite Ms. Myteetharesobigmylipswontcoverthem will be there for sure. She's a sipper too. She can make a 12 ounce Bud Light last for the same number of hours if necessary! But that's her excuse for standing over in a corner, her mouth agape as she stares down each millimeter of every person passing by! That's got to be some sort of talent!
One year I went to The Christmas party and some bridge people came...now that was funny! That was true entertainment! Honestly, that was the highlight of the entire evening! They just busted up in there and ate to their heart's content! They got by the door Nazi's! How did they do that? My invitation clearly states: "Must present invitation at door". Maybe they tipped somebody off who knows? The bartender could've been in on it! Maybe they should do a background check on every guest and do cavity searches before they allow entry into this THE Christmas party. All I know is I can hardly wait to see all the people there...all dressed up...acting different....being something or someone they're not. Just playing that same ole "social role". It'll really make me appreciate the next party I'll be going to. At that party we'll all be wearing jeans and sweaters or sweat shirts and worn out tennis shoes or boots not $200 dresses and high heels. We'll stand out in the cold weather huddled around a barbecue pit not caring that our hair and clothes will smell like smoke. At the next party we'll drink anything from colas to beer straight out of an iced down Igloo cooler and it'll be perfectly fine if we choose not to get drunk because we have personalities when we're sober. This party will be open to anyone who might hear of it and want to join in. The only requirement will be that you chip in a six pack or allow us all to divide ours with you if you can't afford your own. We won't judge you for what you wear, where you live or the size of your bank account. We won't care what you drive or how many times you've been married. At this party after THE Christmas party we'll like you for who you are or we won't like you at all. We won't act as if you're a friend when we really don't care if we don't see you again till the same time next year. The kind of folks at this party will pick you up when you fall instead of making you the center of gossip. The good people at this party are the kind of folks who will send you a card on your birthday, randomly take you out to lunch, call you when you're sick or be a shoulder when you most need one.
One of the saddest things I think people do to THEMSELVES is to pretend to be something or someone they're not. THE Christmas party makes me appreciate those people at the next Christmas party. For that...I sincerely thank the person who sent me that golden invitation. I'll see you there.

You know, having 3 girls should mean that at the end of your job rearing them you get a medal or at least a reward of sorts. Something like an hour with the current president of the United States to tell him exactly what you think should be done would be a start. You should get free flight & hotel accomodations to anywhere in the world you want to go. Private jet only please. Moms of 3 girls should get a week long romance with oh lets say George Clooney or Jon Bon Jovi. Jon and George should be wild with enthusiasm over this because it is such an honor.
There should be masterpieces done of you with a shawl drapped over your legs as you sit in a rocking chair. And by God this picture should even grace the walls of the Smithsonian! Diane Sawyer should interview moms of girls & Oprah should do shows on the subject. Just think of the ratings! Somewhere on that mountain where the presidents faces are carved there should be the face of a mom with 3 girls. Of course she'd look a bit haggard, maybe even a little wild eyed but the Bud Light and Valium concoction required to get through raising nothing but girls will do that to you.
Danika Patrick gets out of her race car to tons of cheering fans. Moms of girls should get the same response as they're walking to their cars to go to work. General Patton was considered one of the toughest men ever in the military. He'd bark out orders to his troops and they'd jump without hesitation still his vocal cords are nothing in comparison to a mom of girls yelling "DO NOT LET THAT BOY TOUCH YOU AND BE HOME BY 9!"
Lots of people think Hillary Clinton is just the bomb in as far as strong women go. Oh no, remember she only raised ONE girl. And you wonder why she didn't make the presidency.

There's nothing to walking into the office. It's the same as any other. You walk in, tell them your name, your doctors name and then you're seated. For days before you get there you're thinking about it. You're dreading it. You're even considering cancelling and never going back but you know that for as much as you'd like to it would be a mistake of huge proportions.
You sit there trying your best to be casual when you realize that God has answered your prayers and you're not afraid. But who among you is? There's the woman who sits at an angle behind you. She is frail to the extreme that you can see what has to be every bone in her hand. Her clothes hang loosely from her thin body and her skin is noticeably yellow. You don't want to believe that she may have it in her liver. You fight back tears for this woman and sink your entire face in a magazine. Everyone in the waiting room is quiet. Is everyone fearful?
You look up as someone new comes into the room and sits with her husband. On his lap are two folders full of medical information. You know what's in the folders because you had one of your own that you threw in the trash. It reminded you of bad days. How sick is she? Their conversation is muffled but you see him smile and you hear her giggle. It's her turn next and as she gets up to go into the next room you notice that his expression changes and he drops his head. Is he praying? A mother is leaving and her daughter is helping her with her coat. This simple task done everyday this time of year is a major undertaking for the elderly lady and the expression on her daughters face is one of weariness and worry.
You hear someone come to sit close to you. She's wearing a turban and she, like you, buries her face in a magazine. Has she learned yet that her beauty is not in her hair?
Tears begin to threaten to spill over onto your cheeks and from there you know it will be sobs so you cut it short and wipe your face behind your magazine. You want to scream "Why God"? but instead you whisper the same prayer you do every time you go to the oncologists office.

Dear God,
Let me take the fear these people around me are carrying with them each day. I have You to help me carry the burden. I have You to give me strength. Through You I can take it all. Please don't let them worry.
Amen

God has a plan for everyone. You don't question it. You just wake up everyday and you're grateful for things that never even crossed your mind before you set foot in that office.