THE Christmas Party

It would be completely two faced of me, totally false of me if I didn't first say that I do enjoy going to THE Christmas Party. The age group is pretty good...ranges from 10 years younger than me to 10 to 15 years older than me. Sure there's a lot of prep time involved in going to such a social event but I just feel so special that I got an invitation that I wouldn't miss it for the world! I can hardly wait to see Ms. Fashionista aka the squirrel from the movie Ice Age wearing that dress that she'll swear is a knock off of what Jennifer Anniston wore on the red carpet! Why I may even be graced by a conversation with her on the latest styles of Christmas apparel, pocketbooks, eyeliner and lipsticks! Ahh...how lucky I'd be! And how could I miss seeing Ms. Dontyouwishyouwerecoollikeme, the hostess with the mostest ass in the world as she plays her role to a "t". I always wonder if I'm supposed to curtsey when she approaches or just stick a dollar or two in her bra strap! I like her ! Then there's Mr. badcombovergirlieattitude who occassionally goes in to and out of PMS stages for no apparent reason. Hopefully he'll remember to bring along his bipolar meds and forget to bring his girl friend! Ms. Eyebrows will be there along with her husband. When they go onto the dance floor someone really should roll out a cot or something for them to just go ahead and have sex on! XXX rated! Cover your eyes or stand there with your chin to your knees as your drink unconsciously slides to the floor!
And who is that girl with the bowl hair cut anyway? Every single year she's there. Sipping, sipping, sipping...I know she's not drinking not really. She just wants the drink in her hand so that when she does something to make herself look really stupid she'll have something to blame it on the next day. Ms. Iwannabeyoungagain will be there too! Go ahead, ask me if she'll be ashamed to wear that micro mini sequened dress at sixty years of age...ask me! Dye her hair red and BAM...you've got Ronald McDonald! Amazing what a whole bottle of hair spray will do! I've been divorced for about 10 years now but I can count on Ms. Marge Simpson asking me if I'm still married to Mark. I don't doubt that it's not an accident that she asks me this same question as she sees me talking to a man. It's like she insists that I 'fess up as to how many times I've been married so as to scare the living day lights out of who ever I might be talking to. It makes me want to tell her to shut up and smoke another cigarette right quick before your voice goes to sounding feminine again! Then there's Stanley and Ollie. When they're done with drinking almost to the point of poisoning themselves they'll call a cab or their teenage cousin to come take them back to their mommies home before she comes looking for them. Refer back to the beginning and note the age group. You'd think they'd know better.
Mr. PleaseletmetellyouhowmuchmoneyIhave will be there with his live in girl friend who really is pretty but has the personality of a 2 by 4 and the attitude of satan.
Ahhh...then there's my personal favorite Ms. Myteetharesobigmylipswontcoverthem will be there for sure. She's a sipper too. She can make a 12 ounce Bud Light last for the same number of hours if necessary! But that's her excuse for standing over in a corner, her mouth agape as she stares down each millimeter of every person passing by! That's got to be some sort of talent!
One year I went to The Christmas party and some bridge people came...now that was funny! That was true entertainment! Honestly, that was the highlight of the entire evening! They just busted up in there and ate to their heart's content! They got by the door Nazi's! How did they do that? My invitation clearly states: "Must present invitation at door". Maybe they tipped somebody off who knows? The bartender could've been in on it! Maybe they should do a background check on every guest and do cavity searches before they allow entry into this THE Christmas party. All I know is I can hardly wait to see all the people there...all dressed up...acting different....being something or someone they're not. Just playing that same ole "social role". It'll really make me appreciate the next party I'll be going to. At that party we'll all be wearing jeans and sweaters or sweat shirts and worn out tennis shoes or boots not $200 dresses and high heels. We'll stand out in the cold weather huddled around a barbecue pit not caring that our hair and clothes will smell like smoke. At the next party we'll drink anything from colas to beer straight out of an iced down Igloo cooler and it'll be perfectly fine if we choose not to get drunk because we have personalities when we're sober. This party will be open to anyone who might hear of it and want to join in. The only requirement will be that you chip in a six pack or allow us all to divide ours with you if you can't afford your own. We won't judge you for what you wear, where you live or the size of your bank account. We won't care what you drive or how many times you've been married. At this party after THE Christmas party we'll like you for who you are or we won't like you at all. We won't act as if you're a friend when we really don't care if we don't see you again till the same time next year. The kind of folks at this party will pick you up when you fall instead of making you the center of gossip. The good people at this party are the kind of folks who will send you a card on your birthday, randomly take you out to lunch, call you when you're sick or be a shoulder when you most need one.
One of the saddest things I think people do to THEMSELVES is to pretend to be something or someone they're not. THE Christmas party makes me appreciate those people at the next Christmas party. For that...I sincerely thank the person who sent me that golden invitation. I'll see you there.