The room that I use as an office is also the cats room and gathers dust, cat hair and cat litter pretty fast. I've been tired of the bookcase that was in here. It shrank the room and cluttered it more. There was nothing else to do today so I cleaned the room up and started throwing things away.
As I was cleaning things...dusting them off I picked up a Coke bottle full of different colored sand corked up to make it last forever. Then there was a funny shaped bottle done the same way and at last there was a plastic one filled with colored sand as well and this one had a Winnie The Pooh sticker on it. These bottles match nothing in this room but my girls made them so they'll stay for as long as I do. I'm almost certain we did these precious momentos on a beach trip.
There's a basket full of sea shells and pieces of sea shells filled to over flowing. There's another in the bathroom. In a shiney gold gift bag there are even more sea shells. Not a single one that my childrens hands have touched have been thrown away. The years add up...so do the beach trips...so do the sea shells.
When it comes to the photo albums I can't help but sit for a little while and remember those days when my kids hands did all the things that add to this room and add to my life. I see Wendi smiling as she plays in the ocean....I would guess she's 3 or 4. Candi's buried to her neck in sand and you can see the freckles across the bridge of her cute little nose. Stephie's hair is short and as usual for her and her age group she doesn't want her picture made in her cute one piece bathing suit.
All over the floor there are books. Little Golden Books, Baby Sitter Club books, Madeline and Pippy Longstockings. My favorite though is "Guess How Much I Love You". I had to stop and read it. It's just the sweetest children's story I think I've ever read.
This one room breaks my heart. It's filled to capacity with memories of my childrens childhood.
This room reminds me of all the things I didn't do and wish I could now....but of course its too late.
I'm not ashamed of the material things I didn't provide for them. I'm ashamed that as they played in the ocean, Iwasn't in it with them. When the hole was being dug for the girls to be buried in where was I? When we're walking the trails in the mountains picking up beautiful fall colored leaves was I participating? When my child was being picked on why wasn't I the first to know? What was I doing?
I let years pass me by as my girls grew up right there in front of me.
In the pictures I see Candi's solemn face and I wonder 'how does she remember her childhood'. Wendi smiles in practically all of her pictures so I think 'look how happy she is'. Then I remember when her daddy left and how difficult that was for her. I wonder if I did enough to help her. Then there's Stephie's pictures. I don't think I ever told her how proud I am of her. Even when she was small. I was just far too busy trying to be me rather than be her mom. If my tears were to be gathered, I could create a river. If my regrets were pennies....I'd be a millionaire.

Out of the five of mama's children I'd have to say that I was the one that caused her and daddy the most grief. Mama reminds me that from the very beginning she knew I was going to be trouble....I was born breach. Yep, showed my ass before I even saw the light of day !
About two weeks later I was kidnapped! My sister took me out of the crib when I was little and put me under it so that she could see just how close she could come to having mama institutionalized when she couldn't find me. After that it was third degree sunburns and that deathly under tow at Carolina Beach, dog bites, multiple bee stings, mud to my armpits, and stitches in my knees and heal from where my sister PUSHED me down the stairs! She tells a different story. Ignore her if she ever brings it up. At fifteen I'd sneak mama's station wagon keys up to my bedroom and wait for them to go to sleep. When the window panes rattled I knew they were snoring up a storm and I could stick dynamite under their beds and they'd barely roll over. Down the front porch rails I'd go carefully putting my foot in the deepest curve of the "S" shape pattern. I'll never know why I didn't fall and break my neck. I guess it was my purpose on this earth to test the patience of my parents and I just wasn't anywhere near being finished with my job! I was cool in that wood grain station wagon cruising up to Raider Deck with no drivers license, hardly any gas at all (daddy likes to see how far he can push a tank of gas...always has) and not one brain in my body! I'd pull up in that bus of a ride, park it with the rest of the cars out there and walk in like I owned the place. I'd leave when I wanted to and if my friends needed a ride and were near by I'd go get them too all with the fumes daddy left for me!
Then there was the time I jumped off Ledbetter bridge. I thought that was so cool that I went home and told daddy....a week after the fact! I didn't bother to tell him that I did it when we were skipping school and I sure didn't tell him that we skipped school in a friends car and that none of us in the car had even the first sign of a VALID drivers license (I now see a pattern after all these years...do you??) So after the devil flew all into daddy and he proceeded to give me that glare that makes you go potty on yourself he and I went back out to the bridge! Imagine this trip. I'm sitting on the passenger side praying that we'll get four flat tires and daddy will have something else to be mad at besides me. My fingers are crossed, my legs are crossed everything I can cross is crossed wishing for luck! We get there...daddy pulls over...he makes me get out...I'm expecting him to tie cinder blocks to my ankles and throw me over but instead he says..."Look!"..and points at the water. It's summer and there's been a draught and the water level is lower so all over the place are stumps that look like sharpened pencils! Seriously, if you didn't know better you'd swear that someone got out there with a giant pencil sharpener and got those stumps to the finest point you can imagine! "When do you think you'll be jumping again Rita?" Of course I couldn't answer him, I was too busy looking in the back of that same station wagon I stole on the weekends for two cinder blocks and some rope! I didn't know what to do and my voice box was for sure on strike so I just shrugged my shoulders! Ooooh. Wrong answer! I don't remember everything daddy said but let me put it this way. There was some mention of having my IQ tested as well as increasing some life insurance policy and I heard something about putting me on the bus with Rusty. I was also put on restriction till I was fifty. Of course when I heard that I thought..."you've got to sleep sometime" and immediately thought..."It's a good thing my voice box ain't working or that would've came right out!"
From that it was sneaking cigarettes. Me and a friend of mine would get us some of Mama's Silva Thins, matches, an ash tray and of course the car keys and head upstairs to go to bed early because we were "tired". Actually we went to bed so we could get up later in the night and listen out for the sonic snoring indicating it was cool to exit the premises via the roof/porch rail!
My friend's a chicken so she scooted her way across the roof dragging every crumb of the shingles face off into her skin and clothes. I've got half my body off the roof feeling around for the railing with my foot when she says..."I can't do this, I'm scared I'll fall". "Yes you can just come on hurry up!"
"I can't do it!"
" I can't do it!"
"CAN'T!"
"CAN'T!"
Ok, now the chicken is yelling to the top of her lungs and she's almost directly over mama and daddys room! This is great! "Ssssshhhhh! Ssssshhhh! Shut up! Shut up!"...foot still looking for the railing....on go the next door neighbors lights! Both of us freeze and FINALLY she shuts that chicken mouth of hers! I inch my way back to her like a spy so no one sees me and then I realize it..... Oh yesss...the neighbors are drunk AND they're fighting! Now THAT'S entertainment! So we sit on the roof like it's a front row seat to some huge boxing event, smoke our stolen cigarettes and mock the neighbors. This one was going to be a good one....a good long one. "Hmmmm" my friend says..."didn't I see some beer in your refrigerator?"
I sat on the peak of the roof while the chicken sat holding on to the storm window we climbed out of with one hand and a Natural Light with the other. The next time I saw her was when we had HER mama's stolen cigarettes (we kinda took turns stealing cigs so the guilt was split...that's what friends do right?) in my bedroom smoking them as if our intent was to single handedly pollute the world. We hear my mama just as she rounds the top stair and shove burning cigarettes in my night stand drawer. I remember thinking..."Just get me out of this one without the fire department having to be called in and that's it for me and the chicken! I told her to go out on the roof!"
When I'm ready to rip out every strand of Pete's hair because she's so...so??? so teenagerish I force myself to stop and think...well has she ever jumped into a bed of sharpened pencils? Has she driven all over the place without a license? How about sneaked out on the roof for a puff off a stolen cigarette? No, she hasn't done any of those.* I wonder though if she'd do a little better at being more well behaved if she felt the threat of cinder blocks?

*disclaimer: Pete's not done these things AS FAR AS I know.

We were sitting around Stephie's house the other day talking about the differences between me and my sister Kim. See now, I think me and Kim are a lot alike but when I said that Kim's head spun around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist and she said: "I don't know where you get that from!" I expected her to spew green pea soup at any given second and her eyes were just short of rolling back in her head. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt and to add injury to insult Stephie agreed! So that got me to thinking. Just how different are me and Kim anyway?

Lets see.

Kim was pretty much an A/B honor roll student all through high school. Me: If I was at school, it was a good day. If I was at school and awake it was an excellent day.

Kim always did, to the letter what mama and daddy said. Me: In the midst of either of them telling me what to do I was figuring ways to get out of it up to and including faking some rare sickness like malaria or scarlett fever.

Kim would always babysit the brothers so mama and daddy could go out. Me: I always secretly hoped they'd get lost when we weren't looking.

Kim has always known how to save some serious money. Me: The U.S. mint will make some more and for all I know Jesus might be back tomorrow. Lets go somewhere and shop!

Kim's a pretty serious disciplinarian with her son. Me: Go ahead and see if you can start a fire with a book of matches and a 5 gallon can of gasoline! Here's a fire extinguisher & some burn cream I'll listen out for the ambulance so I can motion them in.

Kim just loves old people. Me: It's just the funniest thing in the world when they say: "HUH?" and fart from the strain of talking so loud!

Kim works hard and won't call in sick if she's got the flu, strep throat and has dialated 8 centimeters. Me: Sometimes the call of I95 is more than I can handle. We'll count that as a mental illness. Illness=sick so there you have it!

Kim has plans to do housework and/or yard work on her days off. Me: I just did my 40. Don't look for anything special.

Kim's been married for more than 25 years. Me: If I chained them to the bed and padlocked the doors from the outside they'd still find a way to divorce court.


There's this one experience that really sticks out in my head. Rusty, our 30 year old childhood friend with the mind of a 2 year old (my nice way of saying he was mentally "challenged") was told one day to show both me and Kim his penis. Timmy and Jimmy (yes that is their real names) our skeleton friends who both were the spawn of the devil, told Rusty that he should. Now keep in mind that up until then all we had seen was the tiny winkies of Wade and Nick, the third itsy bitsy teeny weeny penis hadn't been born yet. So Timmy and Jimmy are acting like they're at some sort of pep rally and both of them are going: "Show 'em Rusty! Show 'em Rusty!"
There's Rusty, standing there with his tee shirt on wrong side outwards and backwards smelling like french fries and chihuahua trying to decide if he should show us or not. Kim's looking at me I'm looking at Kim, we're both looking at Rusty and all the while Timmy and Jimmy are doing the pep rally chant..."Show 'em Rusty!"
I didn't hear his zipper unzip probably because of the chant. I didn't see him fish his tallywacker out but in the blink of an eye there it was just hanging there outside of Rusty's cut off knee length shorts. I think there should've been a drum roll or something. Maybe a brief introduction because we had no idea what we were about to be shown. It happened just all of a sudden like. Maybe a "TAH DAH!" would've been sufficient.
Timmy and Jimmy were doubled over laughing while Rusty stood there with his hands on his hips airing out his peepee for a private showing! He just stood there grinning like a cheshire cat.
Kim saw it and screamed and burst into tears like Jason from Friday the 13th was after her. "MAMA! MAMA!"...and in the house she goes to tell Mama about Rusty's penis. I can still see the look of sheer terror on her face as she ran inside. Me: I'm standing there thinking..."Jeepers Crow! I didn't know they made them that big! Wade and Nick sure don't have one like that! Is all that chihuahua hair down there? Wonder if it smells like french fries too? Could a bee sting have made it that big? You know, it kinda looks like a King Kong size grub worm.

Timmy and Jimmy scattered like roaches when you turn the lights on as soon as they heard Mama yelling "Rusty go home right now! I'm calling your mama!" Me and Rusty just stood there. He wasn't finished with his free show & opportunities like this one didn't come along everyday! "Rita! What is wrong with you? Get in here damn it! Rusty...GO HOME NOW!"
All because of Kim being scared of a penis none of us got to play with Rusty for weeks and weeks and even then we had to sneak!
I guess this one experience is the one that truly shows the differences between me and Kim. I wonder why she doesn't want to be like me?

What salespersons my girls are! I guess I should be proud of their selling abilities but the thing is they're selling to ME and I'm a sucker for their ??? stuff is the best way to put it here online I'm sure but you get where I'm coming from.
All three of my girls know that I love to travel. I don't really care where I go as long as it's not in Richmond County I'm game.
"Oh mama, you should look into a cruise they're just so much fun! Really you can't beat the price! The food is included and everything! And Oh My God!...the islands are just beautiful! You'll never travel cheaper than you will on a cruise!" That's Stephie telling me about what a bargain it is to cruise. This coming from my oldest who had me paying for her groceries while she travelled on piggy bank scrapings and couch diggings down to Florida with her wonderfully spontaneous, absolutely irresponsible friend Julia. I love Julia's attitude but I would've been jailed for child abuse if she were mine.
I still can't figure out when it was that Stephie got to be such an Aunt Kimmie type of person and truthfully, it's beginning to worry me that she's so frugal. I think I might have to find ways to put a op-stay on the phone calls to Immie-Kay. So I made up my mind that I'm just not listening to Stephie about the cruise because she's looking at it way to much from the savings side and that is far to boring to me. Granted I don't make six figures a year but by gosh I want to go have fun and not worry about the money!
Not going on a cruise! Not going on a cruise! I'm just not! Stephie took the fun out of it!
It should come to no surprise at all that my seventeen year old wants me to go on a cruise. Even if it means she misses a pair or two of Hollister pants she's all but pushing me out the door! She's been so sweet (please note sarcasm). "You deserve to go Mama. Don't worry about the money or me I can take care of myself." I can see it in her eyes. She's thinking 'Hmmm...I wonder how many times I'll be able to see Cody when mama's gone'. Little does Wendi know that I've already alerted the Penis Patrol as to the dates that I will be gone. This means no gangster looking Gumbyish boyfriend gets to linger around taking up air and space while I'm unable to supervise! Why yes indeed Wendi will hate me for this and I will get the customary eye roll as proof of her disgust. Surely my world will stop revolving.
What made me go out shopping for clothes for the cruise then? Good question.
Candi talked me into the whole idea of a cruise and all its trappings by virtue of her patience.
"Mama, if me, you and Tony all go together your price will be an amazingly low $350 for a week and that includes all of your meals!" I think she's watched too many game shows thus the Bob Barker pitch but you know, Candi just says it different and makes me want to go. Of course
Stephie's already said frugal words so now I'm thinking: 'Maybe I shouldn't go that's still a lot of money" but Candi is persistent and calls I think about 47 more times until she's talked me into it. So I give her the money for my part of the trip. My stomach is in knots as I do this but she's got it now so I'm in...no turning back!
Gah Lee Pete! What have I done? I just remembered something very critical to my enjoying this trip! I'm so claustrophobic and they've said the the rooms on the ship are like the size of my closet give or take a couple of inches! Now I'm mentally going into panic mode! I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate! My heart is beating at the same rate as the speed of light....I can feel it in my EARS! A cold sweat breaks out all over my body and my clothes are sticking to me! I look at my hands and my fingers are drawing up like claws and then the twitch starts! There's that high pitched ringing in my ears and I'm about to press the last 1 in 911 before everything goes black! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THE ROOM SIZE!?
I'll be in a saltine cracker box with TONY and his funky big toe! I'll have to fight the urge to shave off his beard! How will I fight him in a saltine cracker box? How will I breathe in there? I'm feeling like a fish out of water! At some point Tony will take off his shoes and theres the TOE and all the smells that go with it and I'm in a saltine cracker box with that?!? Why didn't I think of this before?

Ok, I'm not thinking about that anymore! I just can't! If I do...there goes the trip for me! Not another second on the room size or Tony's toe.

I'm going to have tons of fun!
I'm going to look good at the Captains Dinner in my red dress that I got today. For as long as my granny panties don't inch their way over my fat rolls till they're hanging from the heel of my shoe I'll be fine.
A spray tan should hide some of those ugly veins caused by my pregnancies. Really kids, it's not your fault mama's ugly now.
I'm getting my hair done soon but I'm kind of worried about the humidity so I'm packing Crisco in the lard form that oughta do it don't you think?
Im tossing around the idea of changing my foundation color from Crayola Crayon peach to something more realistic like the Summer Barbie doll tones.
Do tell, what else do I need for this cruise?

Well, I was hoping for more like 10 to 12 inches of snow but all we got was about 4. My boss is from Alaska so getting him to call a snow day is next to impossible. Every time the weather channel predicts snow and we all start talking about it at work you can just see the "Oh my god they're only calling for INCHES of snow not feet" look come over his face. Most times though he just rolls his eyes and walks away...enough said with the eye roll I guess.
So with the snow comes memories of our trip to Loon Mountain, New Hampshire. Gerry, this yankee guy I used to date had this habit of taking us country hicks everywhere you can possibly think of along the east coast. Why I never saw him use food stamps or coupons is beyond me. Anyway....Loon Mountain. Now Gerry, being from Massachusetts already knew how to snow ski so after the hustle and bustle of renting skiing equipment off he went but not before buying me and Stephie skiing lessons. How embarassing...skiing lessons for me! I should know how to ski even if I do come from a town that all but shuts down entirely at the first flake of snow and besides how bad is this going to make my hair look? How am I going to look period! I already didn't have the proper ski attire. All I had was jeans. Stephie and Jennifer go no where without the latest fashion in tow so they had their little ski suits with matching hair bands, nail polish and lipstick. I was so aggravated to have to do the bunny slope thing. I mean really...what's the incline on those things? Two degrees? Four maybe? At one point I was having to stand there all bow legged and rock back and forth trying to get my skis to move an inch! End result...I'm on my butt looking straight up! The lodge was looking better and better. What I should've done was go to the lodge first. There I could've had a couple of draft beers and blamed my inability to ski on the drinks but it was morning so all they had was orange juice and a bad attitude.
Jennifer, Stephie's cousin is like on skiing commercials she's so good so her and Gerry are on the mountain that goes up and brushes the feet of Jesus while me and Stephie are on the bunny slope built by Tonka trucks. Needless to say I'm not a happy camper. Next thing I know little Miss I Can Do This makes her way to the lift with the aid of Jennifer. Jennifer helps Stephie up twice but Stephie is determined she's going to play with the big kids. This is what you need to know about Jennifer and Stephie. They will sometimes get so mad at each other it turns into a yelling match. I've more than a couple of times thought it best to hire a referee for weekend trips with the two of them. So Jennifer, resident snow ski professional knows how to do the lift thing and Stephie doesn't....she just got off the bunny slope how could she? There's a battle between Jennifer, Stephie, snow skis, snow tongs (what do you call those sticks you ski with anyway?), scarves, boggins you name it they get all tangled. I don't think I even need to tell you that the yelling match between them turned into the lift operators asking:
"Are you guys ok?" "YES!!" they yelled back and off they went.
So I'm praying for a valium as I watch that ding-a-ling daughter of mine go up into the clouds to ski back down. Just off the bunny slope. I'm shaking my head but it's too late now. Gerry's been by a couple of times and he's asked me how the lessons went. Every time I think about this ski trip I think I should write him a check for the cost of the lessons and mail it off. "I can't do it" I said just like a two year old only without the tantrum.
"Where's Stephie Ann and Jennifer?" Gerry asked. All I could do was point upward and blink back the tears.
"WHAT? They went to the top?"
"Yes! Don't say it like that! You're supposed to be the one to say 'they'll be ok!"
He didn't say another word. He just skiied off. Well!? Well!? Has he gone looking for Stephie and that awful Jennifer who dragged my child up the mountain??? Has he gone to bring Stephie's lifeless or paralyzed body back down the mountain?? Can he bring both of them down?? Hmmm, I wonder if they have St. Barnards for rescue here? Valium! Beer! Valium! Beer! Oh Stephie! Please come back down in one piece! Jennifer, that's it! You're not going with us ever again! This and the escalator (another story there buddy) has sent me over the edge with you!
Then I saw the three of them. Stephie, Gerry and Jennifer. All of them. Laughing and having a grand ole time while I shivered in soaking wet jeans from falling so much! Three year olds who I'm sure sprang forth from their mothers wombs with skis strapped to their feet seemed to circle around me mocking me and Stephie, Jennifer and Gerry were joining in!
I don't know when they came in. I left them out there to have a good time while I went and nursed a good pout. Too bad the bar wasn't open!

Pictures!

Grandma Barbara's thinking: "I hope these two don't act like their mama's!"

Pa has reverted back to his Greek shipping captain days...we just play along.

It's "gucka" and "boon" time for Emmie!

We should've put up a sign: "Please don't teach the Grandma new tricks."

I KNOW Emma is showing us how close her boggin comes to matching her baby's. Yes, she is that smart.

Carolina Beach is the beach that we all went to when we were kids. This is the place that I so looked forward to going every summer for a week or two. Daddy would rent an ocean front house no less and would make it a point to take his vacation from the railroad in the summer so that he could spend time with all of us. Why? You've got me on that one! I would probably HAVE to have a bare minimum of 2 weeks vacation withOUT the kids for the sake of my sanity forget the relaxation aspect! I mean really, how can you call it a vacation when you're taking with you: 4 kids (the accident, I mean my baby brother wasn't born yet), a wife, a grandma (my mothers mother), and a siamese cat named (insert drum roll here) Snoopy.
Talk about fun though! Those were absolutely the best years of my life. We would get to the house and immediately jump out of the car and run in checking out the best hiding places as we went. All through the house you heard, "This is my room and I'm not sharing!" along with the sobs from the kids who didn't get the room they wanted or who had to share. In the mean time Mama, Daddy and Grandma are doing the UNfun things like unpacking the car and planning the next meal. We didn't want to eat, we wanted to go out on the beach and get gingerbread tan as we played in the sand and collected shells. It never failed, we had to wait to eat and then wait on Mama and Daddy to change into their bathing suits. Waiting on them was like waiting on the seaons to change...or it was to us as kids anyway. Over and over again we'd say...."Can we go now?" , "What about now, can we go?" After hearing that about 4 times from all 4 kids I can see where it would get on your nerves and you'd finally hand out the verbal threat..."IF EITHER ONE OF YOU ASK ME AGAIN WHEN WE'RE GOING OUT ON THE BEACH I'LL PACK OUR STUFF RIGHT BACK UP AND GO HOME AND I MEAN IT DAMN IT!!" That was Mama. Daddy could flip on his "ignore" button with the best of 'em back then. That worked for about 5 minutes then we were whispering that same question to each other. But we had to have them with us so they could be our personal lifeguards since one of us every summer ended up being knocked down by the waves, dragged under and hauled out about a half mile into the ocean which sometimes left us all but requiring mouth to mouth and cardiac resusitation.
I remember one year my oldest brother, who has always been THE most hard headed was told to get out of the ocean because we were going in. Never mind that we'd been out there till we were dehydrated, had third degree sunburns and were delusional with heat stroke none of us kids were ready to go in! We'd fought our battles over the rooms and played hide and seek till all the good places were as well known as the nearest Wal-Mart. We had already tortured Grandma by doing all the things we knew aggravated her to the point of dreaming of life in a rest home as a luxury. We had even touched her dentures as they soaked in a glass on her night stand. What else was there to do inside?

I guess when you're an eight year old hard headed boy you don't think you need your personal lifeguards so my brother decided to linger for a while in waist deep ocean water as we headed back to the house with our sand toy finds and sea shells (all to fight over later). Mama turned to yell at my brother once more this time with a threat telling him to get out of the water "right this second!"
I'm so glad that I realized that I had dropped my yellow plastic sand shovel. The instant I bent to pick it up I saw a wave that was at least the height of the house we were in come up behind my brother like a black cloak and wrap itself around him! I saw knees...feet...blonde hair...panicked expression...hands...knees...feet...blonde hair...panicked expression...knees...expression. Roll after roll crash after crash the waves just kept coming taking with them by brother in all his hard headedness!

Mama was marching in place, pointing toward my brother and screaming to the top of her lungs "VON! VON! WADE! WADE!" I stood there transfixed on this sight. Nothing else in the world was going on but my brothers battle with the ocean and so far the ocean was winning! Daddy calmly sat the lounge chairs down, told mama to shut up and casually walked down to the shore and plucked my brother out of the ocean like you'd pluck a flower from it's stem...just another day in paradise. We all just stood there & watched my daddy bring my brother back up to where we were by the same arm he'd managed to grab from out of the waves. His feet never touched the ground and he was covered with tiny shells from the very top of his blonde head to the very bottom of his feet. He had that awful cry face and it was then that I realized that even his teeth were covered with tiny shells!
My brother was in trouble because he'd made my mama march in place and scream profanities in front of complete strangers! I didn't lose it though. I knew that even the smallest giggle would mean that I'd be getting the same beating that my brother was about to get! Oh but I followed him and Mama. I followed him and his crying sea shell covered body straight into the house...down the hall to the bathroom and I watched him get a spanking while Mama reminded him: "YOU ARE THE MOST HARD HEADED CHILD I'VE EVER SEEN!" With each word she said, she added a spank. I'm standing there, yellow plastic shovel in hand laughing my head off on the inside at what all I'm getting to see. This beats Grandmas dentures & fighting over the rooms! I wondered with each spank if the shells on my brothers body were like needles when Mama spanked them into his skin. Don't dare laugh, I thought. Ooohh...don't dare smile. I bit the sides of my mouth as Mama ran some bath water while she told my brother that he could stay inside with Grandma for the rest of our vacation. Don't laugh, don't laugh! No! Don't laugh!
Then she did it! My mama pulled my brothers skin tight swim trunks down and there where his butt crack should've been was nothing but sea shells! I lost it! I laughed so hard at him I nearly lost my balance!
I couldn't control my head going back as I laughed! I couldn't control it at all until Mama said..."VON!"...and I heard daddy coming down the hall. His footsteps were like thunder and I knew I was going to get it! "Do you think that's funny? Your brother could've drowned!" "No" I whimpered trying my best to look angelic. Too late. He'd heard me laughing.
Sometime later me and my brother stood on the screened porch watching the waves and the seagulls. He had the snubs still and so did I. His butt was red under his summer pajama bottoms and mine was too. I had to say it. To me it was the only thing that I could say to my brother at the time....


"It's all your fault I got a spanking sea shell butt crack!!"